Friday, July 07, 2006

Bitterfish, Party of One...

....your table is ready. After almost eight years of a hellish commute, and months of trying to fill positions that are impossible to fill, I joined the ranks of the resigned. My last day is today; new job starts in 2 weeks (!).

New job: very exciting, very terrifying. It's very easy to be the big fish in a small pond. Bigger fish, bigger pond: not so much. And I've never taken a job that's a step up before (my typical m.o. is to get in, get the lay of the land, then work for a promotion. That's not the case here and I'm quite anxious about it).

Below is the press release (no, not a real one; yes, there's a press release: I'm in marketing--this is what we do for fun), written by my very good friend D. I've not been the same since she left and moved on to greener pastures.

There are a lot of jokes you won't get if you haven't been privy to my somewhat tortured existence over the past near decade, but one thing you will get is that my company is probably very happy that they are very sad to see me go....


Few Surprised By Move, Slated for Early July; Layoffs in HR Department Happen in Strange Coincidence With Behavioral Problem Paperwork Seeing An Immediate and Sharp Decline

THE TILLY, VA (June 23, 2006)—B, famed group marketer and New York Times best-selling author of “Implementing Goldmine: Why Am I The Only One?” and “How To Purge A Marketing Department In 60 Days” announced her exit from the yellow walls of ****, effective July 7.

The move, which closely resembled the prison escape by Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption, came as a relief to those close to Ms. B. The organization had sucked the life and spirit out of her many times before, but the 2006 spirit-sucking was unprecedented in its scope. Some say she never was the same after an unnamed friend and colleague forced her to drop trou’ in her office to prove that Brazil can sometimes be completely rainforest-free.* Others, however, simply point to that moment as part of a pattern of Ms. B’s propensity to flash those within her department, especially during the early, fun days of her career.

Company Hottie **** phoned from Atlanta, GA to comment on her departure, “Wow. The smart-ass index in the ’Tilly is going to drop by at least 75%. ”

B began her rise within the ranks of **** in a rathole building in Sterling, VA, where she was one of the earliest members of X.E.N., the **** event committee [basically, the only time it was really fun]. She also managed the **** portfolio during its profitable years (1999-2000). As a director, she supervised two of her nemeses, [insert name of heinous woman who wanted to hunt me down and kill me. She was quite angry] and [lazylazylazy girl with a bad attitude whom it was a pleasure to fire]. She received her first ass kicking, by [hellacious event that made me work 7 days a week for months], in late 2001.

With only a few witnesses looking on, none of which are still employed by **** as its retention rate has dropped to 4%, the scrawny-legged B received a second ass kicking at the **** Summer 2002 Picnic Jousting Challenge, by D “Farm Legs” ***** [author of this release. She KICKED my ass].

Undoubtedly wearing the only Manolo Blahniks that will ever step foot within any of the four floors of 11111 **** Parkway, B will leave behind many D heads taped to the yellow walls [I was a fan of the vandalism] as well as a human resources file packed with reports of inappropriate language and behavior.

Ms. B is best known for her now infamous “No More Assholes” meeting. In this closed-door session, she forced a staff of eight to raise their right hands and swear to an original B drawing of an ass that they would, in fact, stop being asses. She was hauled into h.r. approximately six minutes later, but no charges were ever filed. The team did, incidentally, stop acting like asses.

Other memorable moments include: bunking in numerous cities with famed **** Halloween Costume Contest Winner, D [again, the author; she was quite proud of her award] ; shaking her boobies and spanking herself in full view of 300 attendees after breaking into a balcony while wasted at a **** conference event; hiring a marketing manager solely on her ability to identify a pair of shoes as vintage Chanel; and holding the company-wide record of crying 8 times out of 8 meetings with her one-time direct supervisor, Company CEO **** [It was in the middle of an $850m acquisition. Oh, hell, no excuses. I cried like a little girl because my job was hard. Boo hoo. Hopefully I've grown up since then].

Anticipating the move, ****, vice president of innumerable vice presidents, was seen crouching and drooling outside Ms. B’s office like a hungry tiger eyeing fresh piece of meat, while mumbling seven-syllable words indecipherable without a dictionary and an inordinately large ego. [has a plan for company wide domination].

Mail service afficionado and friend, T heard the news and exclaimed, “Oh my God…I can’t believe B’s leaving!” He then tearfully added, “But she will live on in many seed lists. I’ll make sure of it.” [ASAP Mailing in Alexandria kicks ass. Hire them.]

M was also reached for comment, but none of the AP reporters were able to paraphrase his many, many remarks. [salesperson for ASAP mailing. Love him, but the man never stops talking].

For more information on B’s departure, please contact her poolside the week of July 10, and at her new position two weeks thereafter. Details will be released shortly.
*Here's how that convo went down:
D: How'd that lunchtime wax work out?
Me (eyes bugged out of my head): Um...okay.
D: What does that mean?
Me: You know how there are rainforests in Brazil? Well, apparently sometimes, there aren't.
D: Um..I'm going to need to see that. Impossible.
Me: No way.
D: Yes.
Me: No.
D: Yes.
Me: Oh, alright goddammit....
Office appropriateness: never really my strong point.


DC Celine said...

Congrats on leaving the old & joining the new! I'm sure your irreverent style and panache will be missed in one place and welcomed in another!

Kris said...

YAAAAAAY! You go, rockstar. Enjoy these two weeks! (Now down to one?)

Can't wait for you to take on the next challenge with sass.