Recipes: Real and Vapid
I received this fortune with our Chinese takeout last night. How sweet. And strangely appropriate (for once, it's a fortune that could apply to me without having to add "in bed."). And happiness is just so utterly delightful, no?
However, there are times when rainbows and kittens be damned, you're just miserable. And for those situations, I offer the following:
Recipe for Cosmetic Fake Happiness
-2 Shots of Botox for forehead and mid-brow crease to mask bitter frustration
-Sisley Botanical Concealer for under eyes and as shadow base to mask lack of sleep
-Benefit Eye Bright for corners of eyes to hide hangover
-Chantecaille Future Skin foundation for dewy "I'm happy" glow
-Nars Orgasm blush to project "I'm alive and happy to be here!"
-Perfect mascara (has this been invented yet?)*
-Lipcolor of choice
Combine above ingredients. Keep grumbling and bitch slapping to a minimum. Fool all.
And since we're on the subject of fortunes, here is a recipe for the best shower favors ever--good for both bridal and baby. You'll look like a domestic genius, when really, each batch takes about 5 minutes. Recipe is from Richard Simmons' Sweetie Pie cookbook, which, I swear, is a great dessert resource:
(Recipe makes 24 cookies; I've tripled the recipe without a problem).
-3 tablespoons light brown sugar
-1/4 cup granulated sugar
-2 large egg whites
-2 tablespoons canola oil
-1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
-1/4 teaspoon almond extract
-2 drops yellow food coloring (optional--I prefer without)
-1/3 cup + 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
-Nonstick vegetable-oil cooking spray
-24 fortunes (you can google cute little baby/bridal sayings, or you can just go smartass, which is my personal preference: "There is babysitting in your future. You will be brilliant at the task"; "She who looks with disdain at crying babies on airplanes will get her ass kicked by karma", etc.)
-2 Muffin pans
-Chinese takeout boxes (available at the Container Store for about 79 cents each); the small ones each hold about 3 cookies
1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a bowl, press the brown sugar with the back of a spoon to rid it of lumps. Add granulated sugar, egg whites, oil, both extracts and food coloring; whisk until blended. Sift in flour until smooth. Let batter stand for 20 minutes.
2.) Lightly coat baking sheet with cooking spray. Spoon 1 measuring tablespoon of batter onto baking sheet, then spread into a 3-inch circle with even thickness (this takes a little practice, as they can burn if too thin or be spongy if too thick). Repeat until tray is full (usually 6). Keep muffin pan nearby.
3.) Bake for about 5 minutes until they're golden around the edges. Loosen cookies immediately with a spatula (you can put a little spray on that too to help). Remove one cookie, then throw the rest back in the oven (until you get the hang of it, as they moment they're cool, they can't be shaped). Flip the one cookie over, put the fortune in the center, fold coookie in half over the fortune, then fold again, bending it to form a fortune cookie shape. Place it in the muffin pan to hold its shape until it's cool. Repeat with the next one.
4.) Let the baking sheet cool for a minute, then repeat until done.
5.) If you want to really show off, you can use pliers to unhook the handles, bead them with Darice clear beads, then reattach. You can also tie the boxes with grosgrain ribbons. Trés impressive.
Off to BBQ: Happy Fourth!
*Not to disrespect the dead, because he really was a cosmetic mastermind, but I finally forked over for Kevyn Aucoin's mascara. Not impressed. If you so much as blink for the first two minutes, you get a huge smudge which is impossible to remove. Everyone I know that's headed over to Erwin for fake lashes has looked amazing. I think that's my next procedural move.