Nether Tasering

Sorry, busy as crap with the Sample Sale; this has been sitting in my drafts folder for a few...

So today, I had my second laser hair removal treatment. Or, as I like to call it, having my nethers tasered.

I "won" a spa silent auction package whilst a wee bit buzzed at an event (does every one of my posts involve drinking?*).

Anyhoo, turns out the package was a bit (a lot) of a bait and switch--it was for 2 of 5 necessary treatments (which they didn't inform me of until heading into appointment #2), combined with some random services that I didn't really need (and definitely don't need to drive a damn hour for). So to get optimal tasering results, I would have to buy a package of 5, which they offer at a volume discount, or the remaining 3 at regular price.

So the math: I spent $700 at the auction for something that was listed at a value of $1,400. But would have to spend another $900 to buy the remaining 3 treatments, or get a package of 5 for $675--so a minimum spend of $1,375 for something that they are currently selling for $675. Niiiiice.

So. Back to the tasering. In my two appointments, the first was using the standard laser, the second one was an upgrade using IPL.

First time out: took a lot of time, as you have to numb the whole area for about an hour, and then it still hurts somewhat. But after one treatment it was about 30% gone.

This time: no numbing, it took 15 minutes total (something about the IPL hitting far more follicles than with a normal laser), and same amount of pain (which isn't bad at all). As for results, we'll see what comes back.

As for the pain, it kind of feels like I went to Great Southern and asked for a tattoo that looks like chicken pox. But with about 40% less pain. It's just a quick sharp stinging, that really isn't that bad in most parts. You get used to it after the first few rounds.

If you're thinking about doing it, now is the time--tasered nethers cannot see the light of day at all, so I was the freak in the shorts at my pool all summer (with the farmer's tan to prove it).

And now that I've completely scarred you with way TMI (and you haven't read the postscript yet), I'm off to more DSS. Have a great weekend!

*Don't answer that. Though I JUST found out that I'm not preggers. But to backtrack, the initial thought (that I might be) occured around 10:00 this a.m. By 11:00 I was picking out guest room decor to convert it into a nursery, by 11:30 I was figuring out how to wittily tell my husband, by 2:00 I was buying a test, by 3:00..oh wait. Never mind. Not pregnant. Point is, tonight's post, if not about drinking, will defintely be sponsored by the concept. So back off.

Live Blogging: From the DSS War Room

If you're planning on getting a VIP ticket, do so quickly: there are only about 20 left!

We're Number, Um, FIVE!

So another fun fact from WWD: The DC Metro area has been ranked fifth in the nation in annual beauty spending, with an average annual spend of $453 (I don't believe procedures were included in the calculations--if they were, my group alone would add about $35 per capita...).

So I started doing the math (as really, when it comes down to it, I'm a number-crunching statistical analysis wonk more than anything else):
La Mer foundation, sold by pushy saleswoman, two shades too dark. Grrr. : $65
La Mer foundation, correct color (whitewhitewhite) sold by Jamie, the fantastic LaMer rep at Saks CC: $65
Laura Mercier Sunkissed (bought all left in stock as they were discontinuing it): $66
Nars Blush (Orgasm, but of course): $25
Too-Faced eyeshadow, George and Weezie: $17
Lipglosses: 8 colors, all in search of the perfect shade of tangerine that I don't think exists: $80 (approx)
Drunkypants Cosmetic Shopping at Random Department Store Beauty Event: $330 (the last one I went to, anyway).

That's $648 without really thinking about it. To achieve a fabulous level of...complete mediocrity. Damn. Guess maybe I should allocate that to the procedure side of that ledger. But that's another post entirely.

Thirty is the New Thirty

Sorry, buried in weekend (not a bad thing!), then work (dear lord, one of these days I'll catch up!). A few more hostesses left, but in the meantime, you're friends & family, right?

P.S. Big fat news: NBC optioned Momzillas for their Fall 2008 lineup! And if does make it on the air, I've been promised a cameo (assumably I'll be like Mediocre Waitress #3, but who cares?!?!).

Burnt. To. A. Crisp.

I have had no more than 5 hours of sleep a night for about two weeks. I'm about to head to Armpit #2 for TEN DAYS. I have 13 long, excruciating days until freedom. I have more acne on my chin than a full-time fast food fryer manager with bad genes and no access to accutane. Damn, am I ever tired.

So, in lieu of bringing you any witty banter at all, I bring you my friend and favorite stationer in the world, R. Nichols.

He's holding a contest--add a witty line to any of the below, send it to nick@r-nichols.com, and if yours is chosen, you'll receive a $100 R. Nichols gift certificate (YAY!). You'll also live forever in infamy, as your brilliance will be printed on singles of these cards to be purchased by people who will think, "What clever genius came up with that fabulousness?" forevermore.

Include your name and email; winners will be announced the first week of March.

You always said you were going to be published, didn't you?

WWWWooon Pointeee Eyebrow...

Here are some additional tips for you, if, say, you just Botoxed and your eyebrows are so pointy that you look like the Count (to the extent that your husband deems that for the next three months, he'd like you to wake up every day, announce the number of the day, followed by "Boowhah hahh hahhhh").

1.) Don't pluck your eyebrows for a few weeks beforehand. That way if you start to look like Dr. Spock (or Dr. Brandt or Nicole Kidman), you have some shaping options.
2.) Get some decent toner and use it on your newfound freakishly large humongous forehead every night. Because it will now be smooth as ice, which means that any blemishes will now be spotted miles away.
3.) Keep blotting papers/face powder/La Mer Oil Absorbing Lotion at the ready and use religiously, or else, especially in photos, your forehead will reflect light like a Rachel Zoe tanning blanket.

See you on the Street (the Sesame Street, that is).

I may be mad/sad/tired, but you'll never know.

Zoey from Shop DC has done a pretty extensive writeup on her recent IPL (laser) treatment. For a much less detailed review, you can read mine in the fine print here.

So on to the next procedure. And that, my friends, would be Botox.

But first, a brief history.

About a year ago, I was planning two huge events during every waking hour that I wasn't slaving away at my day job, the combination of which brought about a month-long bout of insomnia combined with a few unbearable migranes. I felt like crap, and looked even worse.

While at my dermatologist (getting the aforementioned IPL), I sat up post-treatment in what could be the most brightly lit whitest dermatologist's office ever, and found myself face to face with a mirror. It was a scary sight (esp. after just going through a pretty intensive round with the laser).

"What can you do about THESE?" I asked the nurse, pointing to the four huge creases running across my forehead. Figured there wasn't much she could do about the greyish-greenish hue I had acquired from the insomnia. And before I could say "Creme de la Mer," out came the Botox needle.

So flash forward, it's a year later, I'm in a fairly stressful place again, and looking pretty haggard. Asked for, and got, a gift certificate for my derm for a Botox treatment. I headed in this week.

Dr. Adrian offers walk-in Botox (you just need to call ahead to make sure the Doc is in). I went in on my way to work, which is a good thing, as you can't lie down for at least four hours post.

I was brought back from the waiting room about 5 minutes after arriving, and after some small talk, out came the needle. They have you furrow your brow to figure out where to inject it; it takes about 3 seconds per shot. It hurt a bit worse than I remembered, but then again, the last time I had it done I had been on 30 minutes of sleep total from the night before. It isn't that painful, just your standard pin prick. With botchulism.

You can get Botox in several areas, but they typically don't recommend doing the top of the forehead without doing the crease in between your eyes as well, as this apparently minimizes the eye-droop risk (have you seen it? Not so pretty. If this should happen, you can always go with the incredibly karma-tempting yet fairly plausible "Bell's Palsy" excuse).

Some slight swelling usually occurs, but it goes down in about 10 minutes. Definitely go for the ice pack as that will speed it up as well.

For the next few hours, you'll need to furrow your brow and raise your eyebrows as much as you can to work the magic (okay, poison) in. Enjoy it, because you won't be doing that for a while.

About 8 hours later, you'll still be able to move just as you did, although it will feel a bit numb. About 8 hours after that, you'll have a slight loss of mobility, but your forehead lines will be just about gone. You will look fabulous. You will be thrilled. This perfection will not last. So don't get cocky about it.

The next day, you'll be able to move your eyebrows about 1/4 as much as the day prior. And you may start to take on the Dr. Brandt/Nicole Kidman freakish forehead/eyebrows that point a bit weird look. Or, as I like to call it, the "DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITWHATINTHEHOLYFUCKWASITHINKING????" stage. Just another reminder that no matter how good the science, there is just no replacement for sunscreen, sleep, and the magic potion that is youth.

And the next day--yup. Frozen. Frozen as a slurpee in January in Novgorod.

Not sure if the freakish look goes away or if you just get used to it.

This is when the fun starts. If you're my husband.

He likes to pick fights and then, end it with "What--what--are you MAD? Sorry--can't tell. Let me take a closer look...yeah, um...nothing."

The results last for about 3-4 months--you'll go back to the fabulous slight movement/not completely scary look in about 1-1/2 to 2.

And my husband will stop taunting me in, well, never.

And...I'm back.

Sorry, a rather wide detour from vapidity, that. Happens.

So.

Headed over to Hair Lounge on Wisconsin today (rather pathetic that I couldn't figure out where it was until they explained "Um, it's right near Good Guys?" and then I totally got it). Anyway, beautiful space, nice guys, and their catch is that their team is incredibly well versed on color. Like phenomenally so.

"Launch" party on January 11, worth at least popping in to get a peek. (Quotes because they've been open for a few months, but are just starting to get out there).

Speaking of hair, whilst trying to get a bit organized for a few big moves coming up in the next few weeks (including a total renovation and add-on to our house that we're completely unprepared for--YIKES!), I came across a stash of beauty products that I forgot about. And that totally rock.

First and foremost, Graham Webb Vivid Color conditioner. I've never found anything in any price range that works better than Pantene (especially since getting the Japanese straightening earlier this year) until now. Every day since I started using it I've gotten a hair compliment. Every single day.

Also discovered my stash of Pat Wexler products--promptly threw out everything but her Microdermabrasion scrub and her Face Wash. Never want to endure the PW Pox again; these two, however, are definitely the stars in the lineup.

Then--AND THEN--I found a whole bag of Laura Mercier bath products, bought while a weeee bit buzzed at Wild About Beauty this fall (I think I was hiding them so my husband wouldn't see the huge trove I bought). Score! So if you are in a crowd and someone just absolutely stinks like yellow cake batter, that would be me and my 18 layers of Creme Brulee. Just an FYI.